Bending Won’t Break Me

I’m about as far as one can get from being spontaneous. I often refer to myself as “robotic” in that I do the same thing at nearly the exact same time every day under my own volition. My job is flexible, I don’t have kids, and I theoretically can schedule my time as I so please and so I do: I choose routine. Even my weekends are quite regimented and look remarkably similar from one to the next.

Routine makes me feel calm. It gives me something concrete to count on, something stable in my seemingly unstable mind and in the confusing, overwhelming world around me. I’ve always loved routine and the stability of a schedule, and I think that’s fairly common for people on the spectrum. Change, even switching tasks between things I enjoy, is very stressful and anxiety-provoking for me; it causes irritability, headaches, and even meltdowns. However, it’s grown from enjoying and abiding by a routine in a (mostly) healthy and organic fashion, to clinging so tightly to one that it feels like a clinical disorder. On the day I was attacked, I was doing something out of my norm, attempting to surprise my husband by doing a bunch of extra chores so that we wouldn’t need to on the weekend, freeing up time for something more fun. I think this fact, combined with the fact that I have since become very cautious and calculated, has exacerbated this limited capacity for spontaneity. I feel simultaneously pacified by my strict, predictable schedule and trapped by my grip to routine and inflexibility. I want to be able to deviate more easily and comfortably. I want to jump on spontaneous plans and fly by the seat of my pants, so to speak. I want to be the fun, adventurous wife who plans a last-minute outing on a Friday night, surprising my husband with some sort of wild date night rather than predictable pattern of comfort (not that we don’t have fun, it’s just it’s always a predictable kind of thing).

Today, I pushed myself. Instead of my usual engagement at 12:30pm on a Sunday of doing work for school, I announced that I wanted to go to the Spring Bulb show at Lyman Plant House and Conservatory at Smith College. My husband, understandably shocked by this suggestion, was happy to go, and, bless his heart, is always able to get ready quick enough that I don’t lose my drive.

The Bulb Show itself was great. There’s nothing like a whiff of spring on a 10-degree day to help you feel less irritable. I always enjoy looking at flowers and examining their structures for patterns in the leaves and petals. Nature crafts the most beautiful and perfect rhythms in its structures. I also got to see my family and talk about real stuff in our lives that matters. I spent quality time driving there and back with my husband. These last two things were the real benefits. Mostly though, I felt proud of myself for being flexible and doing something different at the last moment. I’m now trying to live my life in such a way that I seize chances to make lasting memories and grow individually and together with the people I love. It’s easier for me to stay at home and do what I know makes me happy and feels safe but it’s more enriching to stretch out of that comfort bubble and capitalize on the opportunities around me to foster my relationships, engage in activities, and build new experiences. I want to learn to grip a little less tightly to the things that I cling to. In the letting go, we open spaces to allow more happiness, connection, and meaning to enter and fill our lives.

 

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