* Before I begin, I just want to note that I’m using some direct quotes from another person in this post that I disagree with content- and grammar-wise. Not that I don’t make plenty of my own grammatical errors, but I just want to set the record straight that I know the title of this post (and several other instances in here) are incorrectly written as “your” (or in her preferred style, “YOUR”) instead of “you’re.”
I have a short rant today. I’m a member of an online support group for adults on the spectrum (well, I’m a member of quite a few, but this story pertains to just one of these such groups). Unsurprisingly, none of us seem particularly well-versed or comfortable in casual conversation, so the group moderator, a licensed social worker who works with verbal adults on the spectrum, often poses a question so we have a launching point from which to form a discussion. Yesterday’s question centered around the challenges experienced for those of us in an ASD/neurotypical mixed relationship. It’s actually a great question with many varied responses and something that warrants further exploration and attention to explain, but that’s for another time.
What bothered me was that a neurotypical woman in the group (who has a husband on the spectrum) jumped in with her usual negativity and finger-pointing at the shortcomings of her husband with his “impossible ASD behaviors and impairments.” She further argued that it’s impossible (across the board) for mixed couples to be happily married and maintain a healthy, mutually-beneficial and enjoyable relationship. I wholeheartedly disagree. While my husband and I have had, and do have, our share of challenges, not all of them stem from differences in neurology, and even those that do are not insurmountable. Moreover, the reason she cited for saying that neurodiverse (mixed ASD/neurotypical) relationships are doomed to fail was that “autistics are unable to have any emotional awareness and desire to care for others.” This made my blood boil because not only do I disagree, but I also feel like attitude puts the onus of every relationship issue exclusively on the ASD partner. Instead of heeding to my normal passive, wallflower approach in an effort to prioritize avoiding conflict, I stuck my neck out to question her assertions and defend my viewpoint. I also asked her to explain what specific behaviors or issues her husband exhibits that she finds particularly offensive or incompatible with a successful mixed relationship.
My prediction was that I was possibly misunderstanding (since that is engrained in my psyche from frequently misinterpreting verbal and non-verbal communication as well as intentions and customary behaviors at large) and that after I probed with clarifying questions and tried to poke holes in her stated argument, she’d explain and soften her stance.
I was wrong! She jumped on my response and said, “Of course you’d think that aspies or autistics are capable of knowing their emotions and caring about someone else, YOUR [sic] autistic!” First of all, I don’t like the term “aspies,” and not only did I find this to be a pretty immature and finger-pointy response, but it also didn’t feel kind or respectful of my opinion and it didn’t answer my request for specific examples.
I didn’t respond.
About two hours later, she added, “If your [sic] impaired yourself, you won’t understand.”
That prompted me to again push myself out of my comfort zone and confront her. I said, “I wish you wouldn’t make such sweeping generalizations about the ability of neurodiverse people to be competent partners. I feel that it unfairly places limitations on what you actually are able to see in the capabilities of people on the spectrum because your mind is already closed to any possibility that perhaps some of us are able to be good partners.”
She replied that there is no need to keep an “open mind” when the “facts clearly point in one direction.”
The truth is that I have no idea what their relationship is actually like, what her husband’s strengths and weaknesses are, and what her past experiences and expectations of relationships are. However, I can only imagine that she may also be somewhat limited in her communicative abilities, her patience and understanding, and her ownership and self-responsibility of any issues in the relationship. She seemed to carry a “holier than thou” attitude and my concern is that that may blind her ability to look introspectively at how she might be contributing to relationship issues and similarly, her self-efficacy in improving any of those issues and shaping and guiding the relationship into the direction she so desires. Making blanket statements about an entire group of people (or type of neurology) is inherently flawed and I’m suspect of anyone’s position if it makes such gross generalizations in a black-and-white fashion. I can only hope that she was either having a bad day or coming to the forum on the tail end of a big argument and thus, blowing things in her relationship out of proportion (we’ve all been there!). I also hope that her husband is self-aware and cares for her emotions and needs, but that there is reciprocity in her participation as a partner.
It also made me acknowledge that I’d rather carry the challenges that I do with my “spectrum brain” and still be the best partner (and person) I can be despite those challenges than be neurotypical and perhaps a “better” partner on paper, but lacking the awareness, interest, or diligence of being my best self. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect, but I certainly don’t think that neurodiverse couples can’t be mutually happy in a healthy relationship. I also think that the first step in being in a positive relationship is reflecting on your own weaknesses and role in any observed problems and working to improve those. If you’re having trouble identifying these, it is likely that your partner can fill you in! It is never the wrong time to admit that you have things to work on and dedicate some attention and thought into self-improvement. One last thing and something I’m personally working on is having the courage to stand up for what you think is right, despite discomfort, especially when something poses a conflict with your morals or the rights and respect for other people.