I self-soothed myself through the hailstorm last night, which, given my heightened nighttime anxiety and PTSD, I consider a notable win. I woke suddenly as it pelleted on the roof and ricocheted off the air conditioner jutting out from the window. The pinging and clanging was jarring and so unfamiliar that I was unable to categorize the noise as a weather-related anomaly, let alone specifically identify it as hail. I tucked into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest and listened. My frantic mind feared combat, an attack from an enemy, some sort of dangerous monstrosity. My muscles tightened and the inside of my closed eyelids flashed a fury of alarming reds and oranges as if staring into the rotating siren light of an emergency response vehicle. I fought the panic by trying to conjure up peaceful images and relax my muscles with each successive exhalation, employing progressive muscle relaxation techniques I’ve been practicing every morning. The sounds only got more disruptive and bewildering and although I was able to harness my worries and prevent continued escalation, I remained engrossed in concern, perched on the precipitous of sympathetic fight-or-flight.
One issue with auditory processing attributable to SPD is a pervasive difficulty in locating the origin of a sound. I can hear everything just fine; in fact, I have an extremely keen sense of hearing, but I often am unable to identify what the noise is or even what direction it’s coming from. This greatly complicates my ability identify and classify the sound, which heightens my anxiety because it’s not clearly evident if it’s innocuous or dangerous. (When in doubt, my brain errs on the side of caution and assumes danger.)
Last night, as the erratic banging continued, I pulled out my phone to try and put on a calming video for more engaging distraction. I noticed the alert on my weather app and quickly discovered that we were amid a hailstorm. Crisis averted.
I am much too light of a sleeper to sink back into sleep while the racket continued, so I relaxed and watched my show until the torrent was over and the more gentle rain lulled me back to sleep. A year ago, this type of unprecedented and unusual calamity would have sent me into an inconsolable tailspin. Even if I had rationally deduced the cause of the noise was innocuous as hail, it would have been nearly impossible to quell the initial panic and calm myself back to sleep. The hopes for additional rest would have been abandoned with the first weakening pitter-patter. The remaining hours of night would have been spent remembering the jarring noise, the resultant uneasiness, and the range of possible (and impossible) dangerous sources that could have generated such terror.
But not last night! Last night was evidence of my improved self-control, command over my previously-unbridled anxiety, and coping tools to manage startling situations.