I Am Brave

Well, I slept terribly last night. As much as I tried to clear my mind of my gyn exam this morning and think about other things, I was unable to relax enough to sleep. Actually, I did sleep for a short bout early in the night but had such a disturbing nightmare that I woke up abruptly, feeling exponentially more distressed. Therefore, despite trying to mediate, then listen to a tv show with my eyes closed, then read, I tossed and turned for hours until it was finally an acceptable time to get up. Now, a few hours before the appointment, I feel hardly nervous but very exhausted. Maybe this is good. I’ll potentially be so tired by the time we are down in Connecticut and I’m lying on the table that I’ll have no available energy to dissipate as anxiety. Sounds unlikely, but one can hope!

Whether from the exhaustion or fear of the upcoming exam, I have little else on my mind this morning. I’m trying to employ my mental distraction and mindfulness techniques and it seems they are crowding out any of the many simultaneous thoughts that usually swirl around my head. It’s strangely lonely.

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Now we are waiting in the waiting room. Check-in was slow because the credit card machine wasn’t working, and I found myself getting tense. I’m pretending that I’m calm and collected, but underneath the surface, I’m fretting like crazy. I read a Women’s Health article about “Your First Gynocology Exam” on my way here to remind myself of what to expect, thinking it would assuage my fears because I imagined it would sound less intense and briefer than I’ve built it up to be in my mind. Unfortunately, that was not the case and it sounded more frightening than I thought I could handle, but I’m dead set on getting through it. I’ve already mentally prepared and battled the anticipatory anxiety for three months, so I just want it to be done and over, giving me hopefully three years until I have to undergo this procedure again. In less than an hour, I’ll be done and on my way home with a gift card for the iTunes movie I want. I can do this. I’m brave.

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