Finding Peace in Each Piece

The weather was absolutely gorgeous yesterday. I only wish I had been feeling well enough to actually enjoy it. I haven’t been well since my appointment, but yesterday was especially tough. I had difficulty moving at all and pain-free motion was but a dream. That said, I did an exemplary job staving off my irritability and depression over being cooped up and unable to exercise outside much of the day in the wonderfully warm spring air. My mood remained nearly as sunny as the sun itself shining her little heart out. The situation certainly tested my resolve to not allow poor physical health to plunge me into a terrible mood, and I prevailed! It helped that Ben was around because his company fills my lonely heart with love and crowds out the mental demons that make me feel miserably depression and anxious.

Although the sun teased my disabled body yesterday and I desperately wanted to be well enough for any of the many outdoor recreation activities I enjoy, I had to obey the demands of my wounds and ailments and find indoor pursuits to occupy my time. I worked a lot, which was good because I didn’t get a lot of hours in this week because of my appointment and the physical aftermath which rendered me unable to work as much as I would have liked to. I also got to indulge in my jigsaw puzzle of session and spend some quality time tinkering on the wildlife puzzle. It’s really coming together although there still so much left to do. I can’t overstate how much more difficult a 2000-piece puzzle is than one with just 1000. This image, in particular, is challenging because of the lack of clear variety or distinct areas to help separate pieces. It has all sorts of birds and animals all over the map but with many multiples of each species depicted in different states. Therefore, when the piece you are holding contains the hind legs of a certain type of deer, it’s very difficult to pinpoint which specific instance of that deer it is. There might be one in Maine, New Hampshire, Montana, Utah, Washington, California, Michigan, or Minnesota. Because the sheer size of the puzzle is so large, each piece only contains a small portion of an animal or white space so there is usually an insufficient amount of information on the piece to definitively decide where it goes. It’s a seemingly never-ending challenge yet I have not yet tired of it. In fact, I think I will be sort of sad when this puzzle is completed, much like the longing for more and emptiness that comes at the end of a really good book. Although I’ll be happy to see the image fully fleshed out, I’ve enjoyed the process of working on it so much that there will be a loss when that’s over. The good news is that there are many varieties of alluring jigsaw puzzles, so I will save some money and start browsing the options for my next purchase. I definitely enjoy the online scouting of science-themed puzzles (and then hunting for the best bargains) nearly as much as putting them together. That is the true sign of a passion!

The only other piece of “news” is that I did get some very generous donations through my gofundme campaign for Comet’s surgery. I honestly wasn’t expecting any participation outside of my immediate family members (and even then, one can only hope and not expect!). It’s so touching that people are not only willing to siphon some of their limited funds to my needs but that they take the time to actually sit down and do it. I’ve got some really caring friends, even though I often feel so closed off from the world. It brings me great hope and excitement to think that I can have my buddy alongside me again in a few months if all goes to plan.

Today is supposed to be drearily cold and damp, with potential freezing rain this afternoon. My puzzle beckons me and I won’t even feel as disappointed or that I’m “missing out” on outdoor time. The forty-degree drop in temperature is the epitome of New England weather. At least the Boston Marathon, which is tomorrow, should have something more moderate between the two. It’s a very stacked elite American women’s field, so I’m much more excited to watch it than I have been in previous years. And with that, I will go enjoy my “day of rest” and keep my mood cheerful and grateful despite the terrible pain I’m in. At least I’m getting even tougher and more emotionally resilient, much better able to control my mood, and ever-increasingly grateful for what I have and who I am. The self-hatred is starting to dissolve into something more compassionate and proud, though I have a long way to go.

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