Feeling Sad

Ben had the wise idea to hook up our old air conditioning unit in the window of the living room where I work. I was reluctant to have him go through that effort because it’s so loud that using it for just a short period of time saturates my noise tolerance for the day. Moreover, it’s expensive to run air conditioners and this one; I imagine, is far from efficient. These combined factors led me to anticipate using it so sparingly that the work involved in dragging it around and setting it up would not be worth it.

I stand corrected. I used it a bit yesterday afternoon, not just for my enhanced comfort but for Comet’s as well. Unfortunately, it absolutely pushed me over my sensory threshold, the loud, relentless rumble wearing on my nerves and flooding my brain with the sensation of being wholly overwhelmed. Although I wore ear plugs, the noise level is just that intense. Accordingly, I ended up alternating between running the air conditioner and being more thermo-regulated and saving my ears with it off while sweat beaded on my body. This trade-off pattern was only marginally successful because I got hot and sensory overloaded and still not that comfortable from a temperature standpoint. Maybe I’ll strike a better balance today, and thankfully, I think it’s supposed to be a little cooler.

Last night I had a lot of anxiety when I was trying to sleep because my sister and brother-in-law were leaving on an important mission. I’m concerned for their safety as well as anxious that they accomplish what they intend to do. It’s interesting how inextricably linked loved ones are: when one is going through a hard or stressful time, the “family” (whether by blood or love) unit feels the same emotions as well. I pray for them and am eager to have them home again.

I’m going to do my second self-directed therapy session for the week on Thursday instead of tomorrow as it’s the holiday. I’m still working on depression-related things. I was feeling rather down yesterday when I did it, so it was difficult to get through and get past once I was technically “done” and ready to move on for the day. I was feeling a lot of emotional pain and a bit of betrayal about something and that made it challenging to feel good about myself and satisfied about things. I sort of sat in sadness and hurt the rest of the day. Since it’s unresolved, I don’t feel any better right now. However, I’m hoping to keep the issue out of my mind today so I can save the little piece of my self-esteem that’s still dangling and try not to feel distrustful and betrayed. That’s one of the worst feelings. Even as I write this, I find myself slipping into those terrible feelings so I’m going to try and focus on something else. It seems like a nice time give Comet some attention.

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