Sick Anxiety

The dental filling is off today because apparently, it’s not something that’s done if the patient has a fever. Fortunately, Ben knew that and was on top of things enough yesterday when we realized the problem and canceled before getting charged. I do still have a fever this morning too, although it’s not as high as it spiked yesterday afternoon.

My appointment with the psychiatrist is still on, but the filling will be rescheduled for a date later this month. The dentist only has Tuesday and Friday availability and because I need Ben to take off work to bring me to the office, which is thirty minutes away, it’s not that easy to get our schedules to coincide. It’ll be a few weeks until another viable day presents itself. The office wants us to wait until my fever is gone to reschedule anyway.

I’m actually somewhat looking forward to seeing my psychiatrist today and I have therapy at the same place tomorrow. I wanted to do both on the same day back-to-back to be more time and fuel efficient, but the psychiatrist is only there Tuesdays and my therapist doesn’t work on Tuesdays. Oh well; it could potentially be too much psychological probing at one time for my sensitive brain anyway.

The psychiatry appointments are weird because they are only about twenty minutes, which really flies by. It takes longer to get there and check-in than to actually talk with the doctor. I am still figuring out what I do and don’t want to do with medicine anyway, so I’m taking advantage of the expertise she can share when I consult with her, even if our time is super brief. I’m eager to update her on my thoughts and current concerns. A lot has been going on with me in the past month. For that reason, talking with my therapist tomorrow is also going to be helpful. I have so much I want to discuss that I actually think I’ll make a list to keep myself on track and moving along, which reminds me, I need to do the same for my primary care check up on Friday.

I’d say it’s not a good sign that it’s early Tuesday morning and I’m already counting down to the weekend. Ironically, even though last week was short and split in half by the holiday, it felt horribly long and sad. While the weekend was very enjoyable, the two days just felt inadequate in terms of helping me land back on my feet and feel mentally rejuvenated. Yesterday was also a difficult day, mostly because I’m just going through some tough things emotionally, but I also got sick in the afternoon, as mentioned at the start of this post. It’s undeniable that I’ve gotten infinitely better at taking care of myself and self-soothing when I’m sick (post-trauma, I used to get horrendously anxious, like panic-attack level) in the past six months to a year. However, I still struggle with it and do feel lonely and anxious, although workably so. Part of the anxiety still just stems from PTSD and being alone right after I was attacked and gruesomely hurt and part of it seems to be simply boredom. If I’m too sick to do my normal thing (be it work, errands, or go out on a walk, etc.) and can really only rest, I feel antsy and bored. I enjoy watching TV or reading, but both of these activities are much more enjoyable and pass time much more quickly when I’m multitasking or feeling well. When my head was thundering yesterday and my thermoregulation was totally out of whack, it wasn’t easy to adequately distract myself without feeling really idle and alone. As time went on, my stomach and joints started bothering me, so each hour elapsed more slowly in terms of my perception of time. On a normal work day, the time moves fairly quickly, so the contrast is quite notable. I sure hope I feel better today.

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