Not the Best Day

Yesterday didn’t go well for me. I continued to feel really sick. My fever was high by the afternoon, so it was definitely the right choice to cancel the dental filling. I continued to feel lonely, again, likely a product of feeling so unwell, and the afternoon had me struggling with anxiety, aimlessness, and emptiness. I was hungry but unable to find anything that looked good to eat, especially because I’m in the process of navigating some dietary changes, which is difficult for me on many levels.

I took my loneliness and tried to be solution-oriented with it. After work, I posted on one of the autistic women support groups I’m in about the competing duality of not being social nor really wanting to be and then feeling lonely and friendless. I asked if others in the group feel that way and if they have tips or strategies to reconcile the disinterest or even inability to make friends with the raw, painful loneliness that results from a relatively isolated life. While I received a lot of validation and affirmations that I’m not alone in this struggle, there were no shared tips to speak of. It’s something I’m going to have to keep working through.

My psychiatry appointment didn’t go that well because I clammed up and forgot what I wanted to say. Because the sessions are so brief, I felt stressed and flustered when I got there. We started discussing sleep off the bat and since there was a lot to report on that, by the time the updates were reported and discussed, it was time to wrap up the session so that we could be done in the scheduled twenty minutes. It was a whirlwind and it was only as I was ushered out of the room with my appointment card with an October date that I panicked that nothing got accomplished needed to be. I’m not sure if I can call for another appointment much sooner than October, but I plan on asking my therapist today if that’s an option.

My goal is to be more organized and on the ball during my therapy session today so that I make good use of the time and get needed help with the current problems plaguing me most. Although the therapy appointments are twice as long as medication check-ins, they still have a tendency to go quickly. I want to avoid squandering the time on just one issue, since there are a large handful of ones in contention for most urgent. My therapist has a tendency to fixate on one topic per session, even if I try to steer things into another direction, so I plan to preemptively disrupt this pattern by stating, right off the bat, that our time is limited and that I have four or five separate things to discuss. We will see how well I can assert myself and carry out this plan. My intentions are often much more self-assertive than what I actually end up doing.

It’s been comforting to know that Ben has also felt like this week is going abnormally slowly. We are both missing each other and adjusting back to the normal schedule where we see so little of one another. I think it’s a good sign that after all these years together, we still can’t get enough.

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