I wasn’t lonely yesterday, so that was a true triumph! I attribute the lack of that gnawing emotional emptiness to the intensiveness of my work, which took nearly all of my operating brain power at any given time, and two long phone calls from family members later in the day. My mom talked to me for an hour, which is unheard of these days because she’s so busy. It was so nice to connect and not hear a toddler in the background or feel rushed because one of us had a finite amount of time between two commitments. The long call was great timing as well because I called her right after I wrapped up a long day of work, so it helped me decompress and felt like chatting with a friend. I also had a medical problem, so I needed to be sitting still in an uncomfortable soaking bath where I usually feel antsy and somewhat anxious. Instead, I felt like I had a companion through my struggle.
Even though yesterday went well regarding loneliness, I have the same goal today; it’s a daily struggle, and some days are easier to fend off the pain while on others, the hurt threatens to chew me up and swallow me. Until I actually fix the problem and find more practical ways to be tangibly connected to friends, loneliness will still be there. My ability to ignore it will be the only factor that reduces its potency.
Tomorrow, I’m heading back to the geneticist to review the results of the genetic testing she ordered months ago. It took a really long time to get the results back because the first attempt was inconclusive. It takes weeks to process blood for genetic testing anyway, so by the time those results were back, about two months had passed. I had to redo the blood draw about a month ago and now the results are finally in. The geneticist wants me to come in to the office to discuss the findings. I am a little nervous, but the good thing about any of the potential genetic findings she might have found is that I’ve presumably already had this problem my whole life. Much like receiving an autism diagnosis later in life, I’m not suddenly autistic or suddenly dealing with some sort of genetic condition. If I have an issue, I’ve always had it and this testing will just give a name to it and chromosomal cause for it. This is different than receiving most disease diagnoses, so there’s some comfort in that, or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of. It’s a bit of a long drive for me to make alone, but I should be alright. I’ve done it before and I’ll just take my time. There are two ways to get there, and I feel safer and more confident on the non-highway route. It’s still a busy throughway, but it’s less intimidating to me.
In keeping with the current changes in my work-life balance and need to work more (and thus write more), I will start cutting my free-writing blog time to spare my writing “muscles” and reduce my recreational time so I can increase hours spent working.