Things have been mostly consistent with the status quo for me the past week or two, at least as “consistent” as that is for me. Some days have been good, others awful. I’ve had some unfortunate food reactions, so I haven’t felt well. The worst reaction was on Wednesday when I tried coconut. The nonstop vomiting brought me to my knees, and I was a frustrated insomniac last night with the subsequent joint pain, which, in its usual pattern, took 48 hours to develop. It’s going to be a long day because I’m just running on the idea of sleep rather than the realization of any.
Last week, I had my head CT scan to see if there’s an obvious reason I’m having seizures (again, these aren’t the grand mal type, but they are still disturbing and increasing in frequency). My doctor’s office called Wednesday to schedule me for a follow-up to review the results. I am not worried that anything bad was found. I’m seeing a neurologist in October, so hopefully that will be helpful. I think my doctor just wants to see how I’m doing in the meantime and recheck my heart and the status of the severe bradycardia, but the receptionist who scheduled the appointment said it’s just to review the CT.
I’ve been trying to work on being more flexible, though admittedly, this hasn’t been a decision I’ve made under my own volition. I’d like to take credit for consciously deciding, “I really want to focus on being less rigid and more pliable,” but truthfully, this current effort has been out of necessity. Certain aspects of my schedule of changed due to circumstances outside of my control, so I’ve had to try and bend with the changes and dismantle the typical anxious frenzy that ensues when my routine is forced into some alternative. I’m doing a satisfactory job with coping and complying, but I can’t say it’s not without any emotional ramifications. There’s just something innately upsetting to me about routine changes, especially when they are unforeseen, sudden, or long-term. Even when I anticipate an impending change, I’m typically filled with anxiety and disappointment about the upcoming wrench in my normal schedule; however, I’ve gotten better at presenting a more rational, mature outward emotional reaction even if inside, I’m still super upset! The real question is why is it so bothersome to me when my routine changes?!
Understandably, it’s most difficult for me to wrap my head around changes that are either more pronounced or will be more permanent and daily instead of just a one-time offensive or a once-a-week engagement. I’d really like to continue developing my skill set that will assist me in being more flexible without just muscling through it like I feel I do now. Essentially, I don’t throw a tantrum or meltdown anymore when things change, but this emotional rein on my true feelings takes a lot of mental energy and self-control that ultimately depletes these reserves to actually handle the change, as well as the myriad of other offenses of which my sensitive little mind and body perceives stressful. While I’m proud of my improved ability to appear controlled and accepting of the change, I’m faced inside with a pathetically great negative feeling that I do my best to internally self-soothe as I put on my easy-going face. I’ve asked my therapist, who doesn’t specialize in autism, to help me develop strategies to allay my internal emotional reactions, but all she’s suggested is to think of the benefits of the change instead. Unfortunately, that’s often not enough for me, nor is it a novel suggestion I’m not already implementing.
I’m on a string of reading really good books, work has been busy, and the summer has been giving us one last hurrah of hot weather. I’m looking forward to the weekend and spending time with Ben.