Diffusing Panic

The week has been abnormal in terms of my schedule. I had an unmanageable swell of anxiety over the weekend that persisted into Monday. Accompanying this emotional angst was a heavy dose of physical ailments; however, I am relatively certain feeling sick was not caused by anxiety. Instead, the excessive anxiety was primarily caused by feeling so sick and the concerns regarding the particular symptoms I was having.

I was fortunate enough to have my otherwise panicky, lonely Monday improved by a brief afternoon visit from my mom. In rare form, I actually took the entire day off work because I just didn’t feel mentally focused nor physically healthy enough to perform at my usual high level. Editing takes a careful, astute, laser-focused mind. I had hours to “entertain” myself before my mom came for the pleasant distraction of her visit, so I took a walk, went to the library, cleaned the house, read, and shopped online without purchasing anything.

On Tuesday, Ben was home because we had appointments to go to and responsibilities to address together that just can’t get done on the weekend. It was another day where I couldn’t work much, but at least I started feeling better health-wise. Accordingly, my anxiety abated to more customary levels. I felt proud of my ability to talk myself down from my panic attacks those few days—particularly the midnight installments alone in my dark room—although, of course, I wish I didn’t find myself contending with them at all.

I hope that I’m in the clear of such swells of crippling anxiety. The second page of apps on my phone has transformed this week from a rather barren set of icons to several rows of meditation and mindfulness apps! In the past few days, I’ve already noticed I’m using them less and less often, so hopefully we will continue to trend in that direction.

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