Saturday is here. It’s another rainy, gloomy one, but at least it is the weekend. It’s the last day before daylight savings ends, which is always tough for me to adjust to—one of the consequences of an overly habituated body and one with circadian rhythm disturbances. However, I’ll get through it. I’m anticipating even worse sleeping for the next few days and disgustingly early wake up times. History has demonstrated, at least thus far, that there is little I can do will my body to adjust spontaneously.
The biggest drawback of waking up even earlier with the change in the clocks is that it further drives me to feel lonely, as it is yet another hour of the day I spend in total quiet solitude. I tiptoe aimlessly about the house; it seems even when there are things I want to do that are productive or fun, I can’t get them done because it’s far too early and my energy is too low. Ironically, although my body is too restless to get more sleep at 2:00am and wants me to rise and start my day, I’m still actually exhausted at that time—both physically and brain-wise—so I’m unable to do much of anything. I end up feeling frustrated and down on myself because of the unproductive, squandered time. It also draws much more attention to being alone with no one to talk to or spend time with. I need to make more friends in Europe or other international locations whose time zones are well ahead of mine. It’s remarkable how comforting even texting or online messaging back and forth is. I feel human when I connect; I feel validated and cared for when someone reaches out to ME, though this rarely happens. I am definitely the chaser in most of my friendships. Ah, such is the logical fate of someone so low on everyone’s friendship totem pole. After all, why would I deserve more? With chronic illness and sensory issues, I’m hardly ever up for anything so I’m considered by most to be a lousy friend. Thus, I get slowly (justifiably) weeded out of the inner, tight circle of friends carried by most of my friends and am left feeling what I am—a loner loser. It doesn’t feel good. This isn’t to say I have zero real friends, but my list of non-related loved ones has really dwindled since graduating school two years ago. I certainly don’t have enough insomniacs on my short list to call or text at 2:00am EST. Maybe I’ll look online for an international pen pal. There can’t really be an expectation of in-person face time then, right?! If not, I can shine in all the other ways I truly sparkle as a friend that often get overshadowed by my inability to meet up regularly with stateside friends. As much as I’m my harshest critic, I recognize how good of a friend I actually am even if unconventional. I just hope I can forge more relationships, flesh out my social circle, and feel less alone.