Web

I have chronic nightmares. Sometimes they are so realistic and frightening that my brain won’t let my tired body go back to sleep afterward for fear of being transported back into the horror. Usually, they include pieces of my trauma or at least feelings or phrases that I had or heard during the attack. It’s surprisingly hard to get someone’s evil words out of your head even when they treat you utterly inhumanely and you don’t respect their opinion. Not every nightmare necessarily includes my attacker, even if it does include reminders of the attack, and even still, not every nightmare relates to that. My therapist says that this type of gross sleep disturbance, even long-term, is normal in these situations.

The other night, my sleep brain had me in the familiar supine position with the feeling of a suffocating body cracking down on my ribs. I couldn’t see his face, but I had the knife blade and choking sensation. Thankfully this time, unlike in real life, I was being tortured over something that now seems comical: that I had never read Charlotte’s Web and didn’t know the story. I woke suddenly in my usual gasping-for-air panic, relieved that it was unrealistic enough to know it was just a bad dream and that I wasn’t going to live through another torturing just for failing to read an iconic children’s classic.

Still, I decided perhaps this was a subliminal message that I should read the book; after all, I’d give anything to make the real memory go away, and since I can’t seem to do that, I can try to resolve the petty issues in some of the less-severe nightmares.

As unpopular of a sentiment this likely is, I generally do not enjoy reading literature. I’d venture to guess that 49 times out of 50, I gravitate towards a nonfiction book over fantasy, science fiction, historical fiction, or any type of creative literature. I seem to really struggle to imagine things that are not portrayed extremely realistically; even then, if the context of the book is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in at least some tangential fashion, it’s frustratingly challenging for me to relate to or get into. Luckily, perhaps due to my strange empathetic skill, I do seem to possess a strong innate ability to see similarities in many superficially different topics. Many struggles have the same universalities.

For the record, there certainly have been many great literary works I’ve enjoyed, but the ease, speed, and appreciation with which I enthusiastically devour nonfiction pieces far and beyond outshadows this number. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am essentially unable to picture anything I’ve never seen. I can listen to the most detailed description of something and absorb all of the words and their essence, but be completely blind to conjuring up a mental image of that description. Consequently, it’s hard to develop relationships with the characters or storyline. I imagine that my substantially challenged ability to read facial expressions and understand people also gets in the way of bonding with or at least following the thoughts, emotions, and decisions of characters. When discussing my evaluation results with the neuropsychologist, he said this can be a challenge for those on the autism spectrum; it’s not a complete lack of creativity, but more of a difficulty imagining a different reality. You’d think then that I’d be fine watching movies since the ambiguity is removed or the guesswork is taken out of imagining how things look, but I mostly only enjoy documentaries, food TV, or shows where you get to know the characters so well over time that their mannerisms, expressions, motives, and language, become more understandable. In any fantastical book or even fictional storyline, I find myself completely lost. I’m unable to follow the plot or keep track of the characters in most cases because I’m missing crucial pieces of information.

I don’t know if this is the reason that I’ve never read or seen Charlotte’s Web. Since the library had it on the shelf and it looked short enough to squeeze in between various obligatory readings, I figured it was worth a shot.

I liked it. I was astonished at how much. As I suspect most people do, I cried when Charlotte died. In retrospect, perhaps this is the reason my parents didn’t encourage me to read this book when I was younger. Although it’s presented as a children’s book, it not only deals with many adult themes, but it also is emotionally mature. Ultimately, I think that’s what makes a good piece of literature: it has a lasting impact on a person and it can be universally understood across the ages or types of people (even if it’s fictional!). I was overly sensitive and emotional as a child-which, apparently is a quality that I have not shaken-and after physically throwing my body on the floor and flailing my limbs in a fitful tear-filled meltdown after the dog dies in John Reynolds Gardiner’s Stone Fox, I’m guessing my parents steered me toward more soundly upbeat stories. I guess I wasn’t ready for the pain and sorrow of reality…

Charlotte’s Web deals so beautifully with the themes of friendship, sacrifice, the circle of life, ingenuity, love, loyalty, and growing up. Despite the significant need to suspend disbelief and buy into the conversations and relationships between the animals themselves and Fern, I found it surprisingly easy to relate to the different characters and imagine it enough that I could follow the storyline (it helped that it was basic enough because it’s intended for children!). I wonder if the fact that I seem to understand animals better than people in real life played to my advantage as well!

While I found many powerful quotes in the book, particularly pertaining to friendship (and one depressingly relatable one from Wilber about unhappiness and loneliness) my favorite of all was delivered by Fern’s pediatrician, Dr. Dorian, after her mother asks him if he had heard that the spider was spinning words in her web.

He replied: “I don’t understand it. But for that matter I don’t understand how a spider learned to spin a web in the first place. When the words appeared, everyone said they were a miracle. But nobody pointed out that the web itself is a miracle.”

How true on so many levels. For me, it was a reminder to appreciate the small things—the magic in the mundane—and to not always be chasing something bigger and better. Sometimes, the very best things are the things we easily take for granted and it isn’t until there’s a blatantly clear sign of something miraculous that we pause enough to consider that the simple act itself—the thing that’s been there all along—is something wonderfully special as well.

(Nature is amazing.)

“YOUR Autistic”*

* Before I begin, I just want to note that I’m using some direct quotes from another person in this post that I disagree with content- and grammar-wise. Not that I don’t make plenty of my own grammatical errors, but I just want to set the record straight that I know the title of this post (and several other instances in here) are incorrectly written as “your” (or in her preferred style, “YOUR”) instead of “you’re.”

I have a short rant today. I’m a member of an online support group for adults on the spectrum (well, I’m a member of quite a few, but this story pertains to just one of these such groups). Unsurprisingly, none of us seem particularly well-versed or comfortable in casual conversation, so the group moderator, a licensed social worker who works with verbal adults on the spectrum, often poses a question so we have a launching point from which to form a discussion. Yesterday’s question centered around the challenges experienced for those of us in an ASD/neurotypical mixed relationship. It’s actually a great question with many varied responses and something that warrants further exploration and attention to explain, but that’s for another time.

What bothered me was that a neurotypical woman in the group (who has a husband on the spectrum) jumped in with her usual negativity and finger-pointing at the shortcomings of her husband with his “impossible ASD behaviors and impairments.” She further argued that it’s impossible (across the board) for mixed couples to be happily married and maintain a healthy, mutually-beneficial and enjoyable relationship. I wholeheartedly disagree. While my husband and I have had, and do have, our share of challenges, not all of them stem from differences in neurology, and even those that do are not insurmountable. Moreover, the reason she cited for saying that neurodiverse (mixed ASD/neurotypical) relationships are doomed to fail was that “autistics are unable to have any emotional awareness and desire to care for others.” This made my blood boil because not only do I disagree, but I also feel like attitude puts the onus of every relationship issue exclusively on the ASD partner. Instead of heeding to my normal passive, wallflower approach in an effort to prioritize avoiding conflict, I stuck my neck out to question her assertions and defend my viewpoint. I also asked her to explain what specific behaviors or issues her husband exhibits that she finds particularly offensive or incompatible with a successful mixed relationship.

My prediction was that I was possibly misunderstanding (since that is engrained in my psyche from frequently misinterpreting verbal and non-verbal communication as well as intentions and customary behaviors at large) and that after I probed with clarifying questions and tried to poke holes in her stated argument, she’d explain and soften her stance.

I was wrong! She jumped on my response and said, “Of course you’d think that aspies or autistics are capable of knowing their emotions and caring about someone else, YOUR [sic] autistic!” First of all, I don’t like the term “aspies,” and not only did I find this to be a pretty immature and finger-pointy response, but it also didn’t feel kind or respectful of my opinion and it didn’t answer my request for specific examples.

I didn’t respond.

About two hours later, she added, “If your [sic] impaired yourself, you won’t understand.”

That prompted me to again push myself out of my comfort zone and confront her. I said, “I wish you wouldn’t make such sweeping generalizations about the ability of neurodiverse people to be competent partners. I feel that it unfairly places limitations on what you actually are able to see in the capabilities of people on the spectrum because your mind is already closed to any possibility that perhaps some of us are able to be good partners.”

She replied that there is no need to keep an “open mind” when the “facts clearly point in one direction.”

The truth is that I have no idea what their relationship is actually like, what her husband’s strengths and weaknesses are, and what her past experiences and expectations of relationships are. However, I can only imagine that she may also be somewhat limited in her communicative abilities, her patience and understanding, and her ownership and self-responsibility of any issues in the relationship. She seemed to carry a “holier than thou” attitude and my concern is that that may blind her ability to look introspectively at how she might be contributing to relationship issues and similarly, her self-efficacy in improving any of those issues and shaping and guiding the relationship into the direction she so desires. Making blanket statements about an entire group of people (or type of neurology) is inherently flawed and I’m suspect of anyone’s position if it makes such gross generalizations in a black-and-white fashion. I can only hope that she was either having a bad day or coming to the forum on the tail end of a big argument and thus, blowing things in her relationship out of proportion (we’ve all been there!). I also hope that her husband is self-aware and cares for her emotions and needs, but that there is reciprocity in her participation as a partner.

It also made me acknowledge that I’d rather carry the challenges that I do with my “spectrum brain” and still be the best partner (and person) I can be despite those challenges than be neurotypical and perhaps a “better” partner on paper, but lacking the awareness, interest, or diligence of being my best self. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect, but I certainly don’t think that neurodiverse couples can’t be mutually happy in a healthy relationship. I also think that the first step in being in a positive relationship is reflecting on your own weaknesses and role in any observed problems and working to improve those. If you’re having trouble identifying these, it is likely that your partner can fill you in! It is never the wrong time to admit that you have things to work on and dedicate some attention and thought into self-improvement. One last thing and something I’m personally working on is having the courage to stand up for what you think is right, despite discomfort, especially when something poses a conflict with your morals or the rights and respect for other people.