Small Victory

I had a medical appointment victory yesterday, which was especially welcome after a stumble on Wednesday, where, Ben accompanied me to my appointment, but I still left feeling overwhelmed and had a post-appointment stress meltdown in the car.

Yesterday, I not only went alone, but I saw a new doctor at a further hospital (I hate driving, so this was a triumph in and of itself), stuck out the hour-long wait for my behind-schedule appointment (all while getting a worse SPD- and anxiety-induced headache), and then talked to the new doctor. He even said I was “amazingly self-expressive and precise” in my ability to discuss my problems. What are the chances?!

After initially getting off to my typical monosyllabic I-forget-why-I’m-here/I’m-too-overwhelmed-to-talk start, I pulled out my phone and showed him what I had written down: “I am on the autism spectrum and I get a little nervous and shy but I’m really glad to be meeting with you because I have not been feeling well.” Following this line, I had written a list of my current symptoms. Thankfully, he also had my hefty medical records, which he had taken the time to review before I even entered the room; I guess this is why this guy is worth the drive and the wait! Upon reading my prompt, he immediately said he’d start with the talking and when I was ready to respond, I could jump right in.

His method worked fantastically. At first, we sort of briefly addressed the pertinent highlights in my chart: I confirmed them with a nod, and then verbal affirmations, and after a few minutes, with coherent elaboration and explanation where warranted. Before I knew it, I was discussing my current problems in language that made sense to me. He chuckled as he took notes while I spoke. At first it bothered me and then I asked him what was so funny, to which he replied, “You describe things in a unique way and very directly. You admit a lot of things people won’t and it’s refreshing how candid you are.” He apologized for laughing and said he wasn’t trying to laugh at me. I assured him now that I knew why he was laughing, I wasn’t at all offended and to “laugh away because I’m a bit of a weirdo and have no problem admitting my weaknesses.” That seemed to seal the deal in assuring my comfort with him and after that, we had a fluid conversation and I even allowed him to examine me—a process that is usually like wrestling an uncooperative toddler into a snowsuit because I don’t like to be touched.

This doctor not only had fabulous bedside manner and admirable patience, but he was also bright and action-oriented. Too many times it seems like doctors just shuttle me from specialist to specialist or test to test without actually interpreting anything or making a treatment plan besides either taking the “wait and see” approach or the “go elsewhere” one. Although this doctor is sending me for more tests and referring me to two other specialists, he gave me two diagnoses after reviewing the tests I’ve already had and will follow up with me in three weeks after the other information is received to complete the necessary picture for a treatment plan.

All in all, I’m really glad that my phone prompting approach worked and that this doctor had the tools and time to work within my needs. I’m also proud of myself for sticking out the wait because I got paid back in dividends with quality care. Prior to the appointment, as I waited in the loud and stressful waiting room minute after minute beyond my scheduled appointment time, I texted with Ben about how desperately I wanted to leave and I told him I was planning to shortly. After I was weighed and the doctor was entering my information, I texted Ben, “Ugh, just now getting in.” Of course, as the doctor was scrolling on my phone to review my notes, the text alert from Ben saying, “finally!” flashed on the phone’s screen. The doctor said, “someone named Ben just gave you an enthusiastic ‘finally’!” I said, “That’s my husband’s response after I complained sorely about how I wanted to bag this whole thing because I was tired of waiting.”

He laughed. I laughed.

As I left, I emphatically thanked him for helping me and I said, “I’m not pandering to you but something in me knew you’d be worth the wait!”

I do think I fell into the hands of a competent and compassionate provider but I also think my phone strategy and my bravery helped me in this interaction. I left feeling completely exhausted—even more so than usual after an appointment—but instead of being frustrated, more anxious, and confused, I felt informed, confident, and proud.

 

Is the Sinkhole Escapable?

The beautiful weather this weekend helped wrap a strong rope around me and took me back a little further from the edge of my depression canyon. I can still see too easily for comfort over the edge into the sinkhole, but I’ve got at least one foot on some solid soil. Now I’ve got to harness all my physical and mental strength and pull the rest of my dangling body up onto the ledge.

At the risk of over-analyzing things and scaring this slightly elevated mood back into its shell, I want to consider what made this weekend a little better so that possibly I can identify strategies to keep things trending in this direction. Of course, weekends are always nice because I get to spend much more quality time with Ben and we had fun together this weekend. Unfortunately, the way that our schedules (don’t) line up during the week prevents this from transferring easily to a weekday luxury. The weather was great, and I thrive on sunshine. With the significant limitations of my injury, this is actually a positive and negative. It’s almost more emotionally painful to weather the tease when the warm weather and sunshine beckons me to be out walking, running, biking, or playing outside than suffer through the gloomy, rainy days we’ve had lately; at least in the latter, I don’t feel like I’m missing much. The weather will only get better as we enter spring and summer, so I guess this will be mostly good.

Ben and I had some difficult talks this weekend but they enabled us to make some big steps forward together so I think that feels good. It reminds me that I’m healing. Sometimes progress seems so stagnant and possibly even reversed, but then suddenly, an impressive step is taken and rewards the patience and toiling that was previously invisible.

What else? A few people reached out after my last post about depression and that helped me feel connected and understood. I’m quite socially isolated, so sometimes it can feel like my struggles fall in uncharted human territory: I’m the sole soldier in such battles. Even with others who are far away and whose lives have seemingly little parallel with mine, it feels validating and somewhat relieving to know the struggle is not only mine (not that I would ever wish an ounce of emotional or physical pain on anyone).

Not that much else this weekend was radically different. I just tried to ride on the coat tails of my own inertia and bounce between activities a bit to keep busy and distracted. I also made a list of things I’m grateful for as I strongly believe there’s nothing as powerful as gratitude (outside of love) that can elevate one’s mood. I’ve restarted my daily morning practice of jotting down three things for which I am grateful, even if they are ostensibly small; it’s remarkable how quickly a list of life’s beautiful gifts amasses and that bounty is plentiful enough to keep my head and heart reeling me away from depression’s cliff.