Comet and I are Limping

I took a terrible fall yesterday and injured my healthy foot severely that, at least for now, I essentially can’t walk. From my perspective, this is nearly as upsetting as I can bear. I cried most of the afternoon after the fall, due to both the pain and the frustration. I’m trying to keep calm and foster a positive attitude, but that’s really difficult for me. Because I don’t know exactly the extent of the injury, it could be (fingers crossed) that it is a severe acute pain that rectifies quickly, or it might be a significant injury that persists. I pray it’s not the latter; the situation will be clearer in a few days. The timing is terrible though because I really need my outdoor walks (in the boot) to clear my head and keep my depression at a tolerable level, but now that the foot without the boot is so injured, I can no longer do that. I’m not going to take walks in two boots! My sister-in-law is getting married tomorrow too and I would prefer to be mobile and wear regular shoes. I’ve been daydreaming about dancing with Ben and that’s looking like it won’t come to fruition.

Comet has her second follow-up appointment with her surgeon today. It has been nearly two months after her ACL was repaired; Ben and I both feel she doesn’t seem as strong and healthy as we’d look her to, so there’s a lot of anxiety going into the appointment: is her knee okay? Did we mess up her surgical rehab somehow? Will the surgeon be disappointed or blame us for her apparent limp and lingering reluctance to walk? Is this normal? We are both concerned about her long-term prognosis at this point. While she certainly is better able to walk now than prior to the surgery, it’s become abundantly clear that on the absence of any pain medicine or anti-inflammatory drugs, she still has a blatant limp and a slow gait. We don’t know what’s “normal” for this stage of rehab, but it seems she’s fallen off the expectations, at least relative to what was initially described to us in terms of healing time and functional return.

Yesterday, I sold the foosball table that Ben and I purchased nearly ten years ago. I think I imagined that getting a foosball table like Joey and Chandler’s table on Friends would have me create an iteration of the carefree, life of luxury the characters had on that show in New York City. Looking back, I guess I failed to see how unrealistic their lifestyle was given the cost of living in NYC and the fact that several of the characters hardly ever worked or carried low-paying positions. Anyway, I went through a huge Friends kick while in college and in those immediate years after, so I think this was my homage to that when I too became a new New Yorker. Ben and I played foosball very little though and for most of the ten years we’ve owned it, the table has sat in one of several storage sites. We recouped $40 and unlike when I used to get rid of things, I didn’t feel a big pang of loss and nostalgia; on the contrary, I felt thrilled to get rid of it, while still able to remember the fun times we had playing together years ago. Am I growing up and gaining a healthier perspective on the process and inevitability of change?! It seems doubtful, as this is an issue I’ve struggled with for years, but perhaps I’m not giving myself enough credit for the growth I’m capable of and have been achieving despite my disbelief and harsh self-critique. It’s time to start believing in myself and the improvement I’m capable of bringing about.

Today, I’m proud that I am a keeping cool and staying relatively calm about my foot, I’m proud that I’m seeing myself reach new levels of maturity and growth, and proud that I’m who I am inside. I’m liking what I see more and more.

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