Lonely

We are almost through this heatwave. It’s been about eight days of excessively hot, humid days surpassing 95 degrees or so. Even the nights fail to cool down much, if any, below 78. It’s made sleeping and daytime activities quite difficult and certainly uncomfortable. I feel frustrated in my inability to get many yard and house projects done because productivity is a potent self-esteem driver for me. I’m looking forward to the cooler temperatures forecasted for the weekend especially because Ben will be around and it’s more fun when we are able to do the things we want without the burden of trying to squash crankiness from being too hot and overtired from poor sleep.

Yesterday was a bad day for me emotionally. I felt like I was flirting with a meltdown all day and I finally toppled over into a mess of tears around 4pm. Severe insomnia the night before, stress from some personal life happenings, and deep loneliness seemed to push me past the brink of my emotional control. At a certain point, as Ben says, I was unable to “rein it in.” It felt like a day I really felt the pain of not having any real local friends that I could call to come spend time with me. Most of the time, I’m fairly satisfied with my relative lack of connections outside of family and a few close friends who live nowhere near me. However, there are certainly times when the emptiness and reminder that I really don’t have anyone around to lean on or do things with is a painful reality I can’t shake from dominating my headspace. Yesterday was one of those days. I desperately wanted a hug and to have someone with me that I could confide in, feel supported by, and then have them do something fun with me to lift my spirits and distract my depressed mind.

I am blessed to have Ben and the love and relationships from both my family and his. I also have a few really good friends with whom I communicate regularly, but none of them live around here. Unfortunately, I’ve had little success making any local friends since moving here a year and a half ago. My introvertedness, strange schedule, work-from-home situation, and apparent disconnect between my life and the lives of most in my peer group (in terms of not having young children, not having evenings free, not being able to eat or drink out, etc.) seem to be significant obstacles in meeting people and forming bonds with them. While I can pretend it doesn’t bother me most of the time, and frankly, the longing is relatively easy to ignore most times because I’m so busy and socially satiated with the friendships I do have, it gnaws on me other times, an aching emptiness and feeling of deep-seeded loneliness. On days when that happens, like yesterday, I have a renewed motivation to forge friendships and be more social, but I continually run up against the same obstacles toward that goal. Somewhat surprisingly, the most significant challenge seems to be my weird schedule.

Anyway, I can’t say I currently am, or plan to in the near future, prioritizing cultivating new relationships. My focus is on strengthening the ones I have and on some self-improvement issues I find more pressing. It’s reasonable to think I can only work on so many things at once, especially if they require lots of work and sacrifice. With that said, if I find a relatively workable way to welcome a new local friend in my life, I’ll be one happy lady.

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