The sun is finally gracing us with warm rays this morning. Although it hasn’t rained every day, the percentage of days that have been completely overcast or worse, pouring, this fall has seemed inordinately high. It’s been dreary, gloomy, cold, wet, and gray far too often for my liking. While the earth is saturated, blanketed by sopping wet fallen leaves, the air today is finally dry and the sky above has finally exchanged its depressing gray for a brilliant, cloudless blue. I can only hope this terrible headache I woke up with will blow over quickly so I can enjoy the rarity of this nice weather.
Today, I have in-person therapy in addition to work. I’m dreading therapy more than usual because I’ve been hovering over the “more depressed” and “more anxious” ends of my typical operating spectrum. Although such a situation would, on paper, cause me to think that therapy would be especially timely and helpful, I actually find that because I always feel more depressed and lonely after a session, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to handle such a step backward, even if it perhaps instigates future progress. If anything, my appointments really exacerbate my anxiety and sadness for the foreseeable time period surrounding them. I’m not sure if this is normal, but I can attest that it certainly acts as a strong negative reinforcementfor me personally. Thus, it’s no mystery why I dread these sessions; not only do I have to withstand the hassle of going, the sensory and social stressors of the center, and the emotional pain of dressing up current and old wounds, but I’m left in a much lower psychological state after the session upon which I return to my cold, empty house for a full day of work alone. It’s not a situation designed for success with maintaining my mood.
And so, I question why I continue. There are pros and cons such that a viable argument could be made either way. Most of the time, I seem to approach the session saying it’ll be my last one unless it “goes great” or is “really helpful,” only to find neither happen yet I schedule the next one out of a perceived duty to appease my therapist and avoid the awkward professional breakup conversation. When it comes down to it, I’m really such a wuss. Anyway, I’ll continue to hope this will be the session that changes the game anyway, in that it’s uplifting, useful, and free from major delays or sensory bombardments on the off chance that looking for improvements with an open mind will allow me to detect them should they miraculously come to fruition. Still, in all likelihood, my experience will be what it has been every other time and perhaps it’s time to seriously evaluate discontinuing my services there.